Auditions For Life's Donkeys 

If at first you don't succeed then try and try again. Unless you have been living as a tribesman in the rain forest since the the stone age then this is a saying that will be very familiar to you. Overused and usually inappropriate to the situation, it is bandied about with a subconscious abundance to bring motivation or sympathy to an individual that probably deserved the acquired failure in the first place. In many cases, that same quote could do with a downgraded revamp to read "If at first you don't succeed ... then maybe you're more suited to failure"
 
Let's use The X Factor as a case example albiet not exactly acting auditions but rather singing. Each year just as the first daffodils engulf us in yellowness and hedgehogs wake up wondering what the hell just happened, we the TV viewers are once again subjected to a 15 week nightmare of diabolical noise passed off as singing bad enough to make even a deaf person lose the will to live. These talent less degenerates create a blinkered humiliation of themselves totally unaware that their talent would be just below that of a pot of cottage cheese. Spurred on by tone deaf family and friends and oblivious to the crowds distaste and disapproval, they will continue to make a noise closely related to that of a strangled ostrich, even though to them, it sounds superb. It is only then that the thankful interruptible sound of The X Factor judges buzzes that gives instant relief to the bemused viewer. The disillusioned contestant now stands alone expecting praise when to all else it is clear that Simon Cowells insulting vocabulary has locked and loaded with a damning verbal attack imminent.
 
Even when faced with video evidence, judges stifled laughter and a booing audience, the wannabe will continue through life convinced that everyone else is wrong, that her talent is awe inspiring. The wannabe will never give up always aspiring and chasing the dream that one day people in the street will stop and scream with excitement in a frenzied malady at the mere mention of her name.
 
The inability to recognize ones on lack of talent and to accept that the 'bar' they set is below average is not the wannabes fault. The blame predominantly lays within the last decades influx of TV talent shows that have come to dominate out Saturday night viewing, emerging us in a voyeuristical ear bashing, but enjoyable nightmare. Sometimes a joy, sometimes inspiring, many times cringe-worthy but most importantly, always entertaining. I for one recoil with projected embarrassment when the wannabe, after 10 years of stacking shelf's at Waitrose, combined with a VC of hardship and flavoured with an 'against all the odds' heart wrenching, gut busting personal tragedy story just to win over the audience bellows out an abomination of a song. As we sit in wait in anticipation of a joyous display of oral indulgence and singing voice of a chart topper, we instead wish we were being flogged senseless with a knotted rope rather than endure the inevitable torture. There have even been recent eye witness reports of young men going grey watching the show and in one case, an elderly woman was so horrified at the acts that she actually transformed into a real life donkey! But hind legs and floppy ears aside, maybe we, like the donkey, need a docile mind to comfortable digest and enjoy this talented trash week in, week out.
 
Although the X Factor example above is related to the singing genre, the same analysis applies to all forms of thespian activity from acting to dancing, from theatre to even modelling. Truly talented applicants to this industry are bulked up by an overwhelming mass of disillusioned wannabes that can reduce the potential of those worthy of success. You as an actor need to recognize your 'bar' and tailor your goals to your individual ability at any given time. This is defiantly not to say that you shouldn't continually strive to improve and grow as an actor but moreover to accept that we all have our own ability level born from experience and natural raw talent and your auditions choices should reflect this.
 
This in turn will lead to a higher success rate as potential producers recognise that your ability is matched to the role on offer. By staying within your own comfort zone you will garner experience and naturally grow, your bar will raise and you can then attempt more adventurous roles. Slowly slowly really does catch that elusive hairy monkey! ( I cant give you advice on what to do if you do actually find yourself in possession of an furry primate )
 
The point I'm trying to hammer home is that if you are one of life's hopelessly untalented disillusioned donkey wannabes, then there is still a stepping stone into the entertainment industry even for you. Remember that the ability to recognize ones own inability is an ability within itself.
 
If you're new to the acting profession, there are numerous areas that you can get your first break where talent is not a top priority, an example being to become a walk on artist or 'film extra' as it is more commonly known. These type of non
speaking roles are plentiful as most films, television soaps and dramas, commercials and even music videos use 'extras' of
some sort. Even a modest production such as a short film may use dozens or even hundreds of film extras to plant a realistic
scene. Most times, producers will not even need you to audition for a film extra role and so you can just turn up and be filmed
providing you meet the basic criteria.
 
Our television shows, music charts and reality TV shows are full of talent less people that have slipped through the net
usually thorough having a relative already embedded in the industry. Knowing someone within the industry can really help
if you're acting skills are similar to that of a potato. So heed these words - if you're aware that with regards to talent, you
are one of life talent less donkeys, there is still hope but accept its unlikely anytime soon.
 
Ps: I would personally like to apologize to the donkey population in farms across the nation if this article has damaged your
self esteem in any way. Its nothing personal but that's what happens when you look like a retarded horse.

Written by Ezzo